The Indian people will have you believe that over a millennia ago their descendants tunneled massive swarthes of rock out of pure stone mountains to create the masterpieces now known as the Ajanta/Ellora Caves. This anomaly however coincided with the arrival of an incredibly advanced race of Aliens called the Zleebs, (another coincidence was the Zleebans’ extraordinary appearance consisting of several arms and long trunks for noses which apparently started the beginnings of the Hindu religion, creating wild characters as Shiva, Ganesh and other fantastic deities.)
Leaving their solar system in the centre of the Galaxy, the Zleebans’ came to Earth in search of precious minerals such as lumps of rock and discarded trash.
“Why is the wi-fi so shit on this planet?!” yelled an exasperated Swark, throwing his Z-Phone across the room. The legion commander of the Zleebs was in a foul mood- he desperately wanted to update his page status on the planet Zeebatron’s most popular social media site “Posterier-Book”
“I believe it is the massive piles of trash and excrement from the natives of this planet that’s interfering with the signal mylord” replied Splob, the commander’s pesky underling, as he fingered his prized necklace made up of pieces of Earth-rock and discarded Pepsi can pull-rings.
“Such imbecilic creatures!” boomed Swark, his nine arms gesticulating wildly, rattling with adornments pilfered from the newly discovered planet. “How they disregard the treasures they possess!”
“Oh yes, great imminence!” Splob drooled, jealously eying off his superior’s incredibly expensive bracelets, made from popsicle sticks and broken glass. “Such fools they are!”
Upon arriving on Earth the Zleebans had wasted no time in pilfering this new world of its treasures. Swark and his ruling class were now covered head to toe with fine jewelery fashioned from plastic beads, bottle-caps and discarded fishing line. To keep up with Zleeban fashion they also draped themselves with exquisite garments made out of glad wrap, tinfoil and leftover curtain material.
The Indians at the time were amazed by the godlike appearance of the alien visitors. They were made to toil and tunnel in the huge rock mountains for the precious ‘Earthrock’ that the Zleebs so coveted. The Indians were unsure why the aliens wanted the useless material, as all they ever used this particular stone for, was to hold open doors and to stop paper from flying about at ones’ desk.
Still, they toiled nonetheless and stories arose about the crazy creatures that liked to dress in trash. The Indians marveled at the Zleebs use of their discarded rubbish and the fact that they would actually pay in pure gold for the stinking material! (Gold on the planet Zleebatron was actually a by-product from their interstellar space-drive engine and was considered useless) As a result, the Indians began to pile up huge mountains of rubbish all over the countryside for the Zleebans to purchase at their will (a gesture that still continues to this day)
Since they were basically left unattended most of the time, the Indians set to work drawing funny pictures and carving statues of the Zleebans inside the caves as they dug. Vijay, the boss-man of the cave workers, was just finishing off a painting of Splob with his elephant-like head stuck upon a human-like body. He thought it was hilarious. (Although they held their masters in high regard, the tradition of writing profanity and dissing the ruling class on the company toilet walls was still considered fair game among the workers.)
“Haha nice one!” commented Rahij, Vijay’s best friend. Rahij was currently in the middle of drawing a huge cock and balls on the head of Splarp, a lesser-liked Zleeban among the locals.
For some time now, Vijay and Rahij had been plotting to break into the alien spaceship and steal all the gold from the interstellar craft’s engine room. Tonight was finally the night for their dastardly plan to be put into action.
The plan was to enter the engine room, create a diversion, then nick the precious material whilst no-one was looking. It wasn’t the most elaborate of plans, but Vijay and Rahij weren’t exactly the brightest of sparks either. (Their last endeavour to flog a mars bar from the company vending machine ended up with Vijay sporting a broken finger and Rahij getting 100 lashes for consequently stealing a bottle of Vaseline from the first aid room to help free Vijay’s hand from said vending machine)
The stone carvers hid in the bushes and watched Swark and his underling Splob meander out of the spaceship and head to another larger ship parked nearby.
Once the Zleebans were out of sight, Vijay and Rahij snuck into the strange craft and found their way to the engine room. As they hadn’t quite decided what the diversion should actually be, they both searched around for something that appeared to be ‘diversion-worthy’, or of similar ilk.
Gold bars were everywhere. Having no use for the shining waste that was emitted from the interstellar-drives exhaust, the Zleeban engine room workers carelessly tossed the golden ingots wherever they could.
In his excitement, Vijay tripped over a gold bar and fell onto a large red button that had a huge flashing neon sign above it with explicit instructions to NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER SHOULD ANYONE EVER EVER PRESS THIS BUTTON (why this button in particular was in such easy reach and was also incredibly simple to activate, even for a bumbling fool like Vijay, was anyone’s guess)
Also, had this sign been displayed in Earth language and not Zleeban, it may have just prevented the ensuing catastrophe from occurring, but yet again, that was also anyone’s guess.
The Interstellar drive went into immediate meltdown mode and within half a millisecond an atom blast with the force of one thousand nuclear warheads destroyed everything in an immediate ten thousand kilometer radius.
“Bolrgen vant spleeble shin ducting!!?”*** screamed Swark, rudely awoken from his slumber by the blast.
***translation: “What in the F%^& was that!!?” (a common saying amongst Zleebans)***
Donning his dressing gown, that had been fastidiously made from a discarded shower curtain and painstakingly stitched together with used dental floss, Swark peered out of the command ship’s window at the devastation that had occurred nearby. (thankfully the Mothercraft was built to withstand nuclear blasts of up to one thousand five hundred nuclear warheads, so all in all, it was rather, quite a close call…)
“Those damn humans must have tried to steal the spaceship!” exclaimed Splob, fresh from the bathroom and still wearing his beloved shower cap made from an old, rusty colander. “They’ve activated the anti-theft mechanism!” he mused “But, why did it blow up?”
Swark looked suddenly very guilty and went extremely quiet.
“I, errrr, umm, rewired the interstellar-drive’s nuclear power to feed directly into the wifi antenna……” Swark trailed off.
“Oh dear” said Splob, secretly excited and instantly began plotting to tell the commanding officers back on Zleebatron. Finally! His chance for a promotion!
“I JUST WANTED SOME DECENT F*&*ING INTERNET!” boomed Swark. “Those f@#&ing humans and their shitty wi-fi reception! I’m two f*&%ing seasons behind on Game of Thrones!!”
(Downloading Earth TV shows from the future was a favourite pastime on the Planet Zleebatron. It also revealed a loophole that enabled the Zleebs to be exempt from download fees, as technically, these programs hadn’t even been invented yet.)
The devastation had left an enormous crater and the massive blast had scattered statues and stone carved paraphernalia all over the country, now known as India. Thousands of tonnes of gold was instantly evaporated, dissipated high into the atmosphere and then, over time, drifted down covering everything in the region (especially statues of the Buddha for some reason) as a fine gold leaf powder.
The Zleebs left earth and all its priceless trash and Earth-Rock behind never to return. The Zleeban Insurance Company refused to pay out after hearing that Swark had tampered with the wiring of the spaceship and so the Interstellar Mining Corporation went bankrupt.
Over the centuries stories turned to legend and the truth was lost. The aliens became known as gods and were now worshipped unconditionally.
The only thing left remaining were millions of tonnes of stockpiled trash and a shitty wi-fi connection.
Oh, and some pretty sweet pictures and carvings drawn on the dunny walls at the original site of the ‘Zleeban Earth-Rock Interstellar Mining Company’.
Or as you and I know them-The Ajanta and Ellora Caves.
- Kilometres travelled- 14 069km
- Flat tyres- 9 and 1/2
- Incarcerations- 0
- Tonnes of trash- 100 billion and counting
- Ridiculous word count on this equally ridiculous post- 1475